Stranger Danger or Aquaintance Maintenance?

We’ve all heard about stranger danger and teaching children to beware of people they do not know. Great! But, what do we teach them about people they do know? The people they are acquainted with such as family members, teachers, church figures and other authoritative adults. What about other kids, teens and adolescents that they do know and are acquainted with?  Will children, teens or adolescents never face danger with any of these individuals? Statistics show they are more likely to face danger from people they know and are acquainted with than complete strangers. These are known as “acquaintance perpetrators”.

Here are just a few bullets from the Child Abduction/Kidnapping Statistics page http://www.lindenhurststrangerdanger.com/?page_id=2

• Acquaintance perpetrators are themost common abusers, constituting approximately 70-90% of all reported perpetrators.- Finkelhor, D. 1994

• 89% of child sexual assault casesinvolve persons known to the child, such as a caretaker or family acquaintance.- Diana Russell Survey, 1978

• 29% of child sexual abuse offenders are relatives, 60% are acquaintances, and only 11% are strangers.-Diana Russell, The Secret Trauma, NY:Basic Books, 1986

• For the vast majority of child victimizers in State prison, the victim was someone they knew before the crime.1/3 had committed their crime against their own child, about 1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative other than offspring, about 1 in 7 reported the victim to have been a stranger to them. -BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991

I am a huge supporter of the Stranger Danger message and it’s advocates, and I am acutely aware that the definition of the word stranger does not include the word “danger” nor does it describe a person with ill will intent toward others.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stranger describes the meaning of the word as:

1.   a person with whom one has had no personal acquaintance: He is a perfect stranger tome.

2.   a newcomer in a place or locality: a stranger in town.

3.   an outsider: They want no strangers in on the club meetings.

4.   a person who is unacquainted with or unaccustomed to something(usually followed byto  ): He is no stranger to poverty.

5.   a person who is not a member of the family, group, community, or the like, as a visitor or guest: Our town shows hospitality to strangers.

6.   Law. one not privy or party to an act, proceeding, etc.

Every one of us is a stranger to anyone who does not know us. We all need to be aware that whenever we meet a child or anyone for the first time, we are on the potential stranger danger radar (or at least we should be) until there is reason not to be. So let’s put the reality of danger in it’s appropriate context and the truth that it may come with all people and all acquaintances, no matter what age we or they are.  I call this “Acquaintance Maintenance.”

Seeing the potential of danger within a stranger should be a given because we are usually taught to be aware of it. However, what we are taught to be aware of is not always full-proof. Maniacal deceivers are predators that have learned how to prey even on the suspecting by breaking the stranger barrier. Ted Bundy (I cringe at even mentioning his name) was a master at doing this. Predators/perpetrators (whether acquainted or a complete stranger) do this by studying us to identify a weakness or something we can relate to, a common ground if you will. Something that makes us feel comfortable and safe, perhaps something we want. They see the need and take the opportunity to meet it making it hard not to accept. It is nothing more or less than manipulation.

So why do I write this as matter of fact without citing official information or peer reviews? Because I would rather share my own personal experience and bear first witness to you. I have been prey and I have fallen into acquaintance predator traps more times than I care to recall along my way. They come within any type of relationship. However, the ability to see the potential of danger within an acquaintance before it gets us is difficult, and it puts us at a greater risk because we don’t expect it from an acquaintance. We can’t fathom harm because we think we know this person and believe that they would never harm us. We may even deny that we are already living in harm because it’s just too hard for us to believe and accept that this person, who we thought we knew, is suddenly our enemy. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirts (plural)!

I believe that maintaining our acquaintances with all people should include the acceptance of truth that anyone is capable of doing anything, and though I also believe we must give people the benefit of doubt, we should always check our inner compass, or rather—“our gut feelings” when we encounter people. I know now, that if there is anything that feels awkward in my encounters with people I either know or don’t know, I immediately seek to understand what the awkwardness is and decide how to react on the spot. If I ever feel like I am being manipulated, I invoke caution and do what my instinct tells me to do. I will never compromise my thoughts or feelings that tell me to “run.” I will never compromise my gut feeling that tells me to say “no.” Have I been and will I be right 100% of the time? Probably not, and for this reason I will always maintain composure and treat my acquaintances with respect even when I must retract from them due to my sensing danger. We can always address it directly with them on safe grounds later if warranted. We can always talk to others we have learned to trust or even a professional on the matter later.

So how in the world do we prepare children for this potential and keep them safe, without fear and their innocence in tact? It is nearly impossible to cover all of the potential scenarios that a person/child may face, and then how to react in the face of a potential predator when they do, but we can teach people to trust their inner compass. God has equipped us humans with an inner compass, and we usually do recognize when something is wrong. However, how we react to what we determine is wrong is paramount. We can responsibly tell our children about these truths without harming their innocence and remembering that they’ll need to know this now and as they get older. Children are not the only prey out there. I believe that teens, adolescents and adults are preyed upon every day by deceivers who use the same tricks, though adjusted according to age!

Here is an interesting article posted by Checklistmommy on the subject of how we might address this with children. I like most of it, and have different opinions on other parts, but they are onto the fact that its not “strangers” by definition that pose danger: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

In the meantime, I’ll keep studying the topic discussions and statistics and maybe someday I’ll write a book called Acquaintance Maintenance! 😉

God’s peace,

Brandee Nieslen-Smith

Founder – The BICF

You were born with a gift. Do you know what it is and why you were born with it? I found out the hard way…

Imagine a man who works all day as a telemarketer selling publications while dreaming about traveling to communicate with people around the world in different cultures. He wishes to learn about other nations and their customs, as he believes the knowledge will provide awareness and bridge gaps that may otherwise divide people and cause undue hate. He’s had this dream his whole life, but hasn’t put forth an effort to make it a reality.

This dream reveals that the man’s talents include a passion to communicate with a willingness to learn and make a positive difference. His occupation as a telemarketer requires him to use his ability to communicate with a willingness to learn, but does it fulfill the purpose of his talents and dream?

If we do not use our gift according to its intended purpose, our dream and its purpose remains unfulfilled. But if we put forth effort to use our gift according to its purpose, the purpose and our dreams are fulfilled.

Do you know what your *talents are, and are you using them on purpose?
(*ROM 11:29 &12:6-8)

Discovering the purpose for my talents included repercussions when I decided to use them for my own purpose. I was six years old when I learned that I had an ability to sing and write songs—a time when I marveled at the stories my mother told me about Jesus Christ. Back then I spent a lot of time daydreaming about helping children who were less fortunate in circumstances that I learned from watching TV commercials about feeding starving children around the world. It touched me deeply. I remember telling myself how I wanted to sing for God like an angel on earth to help save His children. My dream would not die from that moment on, as dreams never do, however – a tragic turn of events took away what I knew as a structured childhood foundation, when my mother lost her life in alcohol.

I attempted my first escape to live on my own as early as age twelve, which was only the first time, and kept on running until I achieved stable ground as a young adult. Through these challenges I endured unspeakable things that humans sometimes face, but I was fortunate to be saved through my distant faith in God (remember the mustard seed parable?).

A day came when I felt it was time to make good on my childhood promise to God, but in doing so, I made a pivotal decision resulting in a grave mistake. During my planning to record a Spiritual CD to help others in need, I decided to leave the name of Jesus out of my songs. I did this because I believed the songs would reach more people who might otherwise hear His name in the song and turn it off. When I put this thought into action, my life changed drastically. Not only did I omit the name of Jesus from my songs, I began to omit Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit from all aspects of my life. I found myself  exposed, without guard and thrust into a plethora of addictions including control, alcohol, co-dependency, body image disorder, anorexia, exercise bulimia and whole host of other emotional issues including several failed, destructive and violent relationships that held me captive for more than a decade.

While this went on, I was somehow able to hide my pain and self-destruction behind a mask of achievement as I excelled in the corporate and secular music world, using my talents void of God’s purpose. At this point I was living as a self-declared agnostic standing at the edge of atheism and the possibility of losing my life to addictions until I met a new friend in December of 2010. He was very kind, respectful and peaceful, which peaked my curiosity. He invited me to attend his church, a place I hadn’t been for many years, but agreed to go. When I entered the Church, I saw a worship leader for the first time in my life. He was singing out praises to God while the congregation shined with God’s glory – as they sang along with him. In a flash I was struck by guilt. Guilt because I realized this is what I said I wanted to do when I was six years old.  I told my new friend what had just happened and he replied asking, “so what are you going to do about that”?  At that moment I felt as if the Spirit of the Lord was upon me, asking me to come back, telling me that Jesus would take away my addictions, granting me the opportunity to live out my childhood dream, and I agreed. I immediately went back and wrote His name into my songs, and I released a CD titled “Believe” eleven months later. It’s now available digitally all over the world.  He also inspired me to write a book about my life and everything that happened up until then and title it, “Unforgotten”, now published worldwide through WestBow Press.

With this came another inspiration, one that I could never imagine on my own. God’s plan for my life to establish The Believe In Christ Foundation, and through it, to use my talents to help His children. The BICF and my lifelong dream is now a reality, because I am using my talents for God’s purpose.  Thanks be to God!

~Brandee Nielsen-Smith