Stranger Danger or Aquaintance Maintenance?

We’ve all heard about stranger danger and teaching children to beware of people they do not know. Great! But, what do we teach them about people they do know? The people they are acquainted with such as family members, teachers, church figures and other authoritative adults. What about other kids, teens and adolescents that they do know and are acquainted with?  Will children, teens or adolescents never face danger with any of these individuals? Statistics show they are more likely to face danger from people they know and are acquainted with than complete strangers. These are known as “acquaintance perpetrators”.

Here are just a few bullets from the Child Abduction/Kidnapping Statistics page http://www.lindenhurststrangerdanger.com/?page_id=2

• Acquaintance perpetrators are themost common abusers, constituting approximately 70-90% of all reported perpetrators.- Finkelhor, D. 1994

• 89% of child sexual assault casesinvolve persons known to the child, such as a caretaker or family acquaintance.- Diana Russell Survey, 1978

• 29% of child sexual abuse offenders are relatives, 60% are acquaintances, and only 11% are strangers.-Diana Russell, The Secret Trauma, NY:Basic Books, 1986

• For the vast majority of child victimizers in State prison, the victim was someone they knew before the crime.1/3 had committed their crime against their own child, about 1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative other than offspring, about 1 in 7 reported the victim to have been a stranger to them. -BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991

I am a huge supporter of the Stranger Danger message and it’s advocates, and I am acutely aware that the definition of the word stranger does not include the word “danger” nor does it describe a person with ill will intent toward others.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stranger describes the meaning of the word as:

1.   a person with whom one has had no personal acquaintance: He is a perfect stranger tome.

2.   a newcomer in a place or locality: a stranger in town.

3.   an outsider: They want no strangers in on the club meetings.

4.   a person who is unacquainted with or unaccustomed to something(usually followed byto  ): He is no stranger to poverty.

5.   a person who is not a member of the family, group, community, or the like, as a visitor or guest: Our town shows hospitality to strangers.

6.   Law. one not privy or party to an act, proceeding, etc.

Every one of us is a stranger to anyone who does not know us. We all need to be aware that whenever we meet a child or anyone for the first time, we are on the potential stranger danger radar (or at least we should be) until there is reason not to be. So let’s put the reality of danger in it’s appropriate context and the truth that it may come with all people and all acquaintances, no matter what age we or they are.  I call this “Acquaintance Maintenance.”

Seeing the potential of danger within a stranger should be a given because we are usually taught to be aware of it. However, what we are taught to be aware of is not always full-proof. Maniacal deceivers are predators that have learned how to prey even on the suspecting by breaking the stranger barrier. Ted Bundy (I cringe at even mentioning his name) was a master at doing this. Predators/perpetrators (whether acquainted or a complete stranger) do this by studying us to identify a weakness or something we can relate to, a common ground if you will. Something that makes us feel comfortable and safe, perhaps something we want. They see the need and take the opportunity to meet it making it hard not to accept. It is nothing more or less than manipulation.

So why do I write this as matter of fact without citing official information or peer reviews? Because I would rather share my own personal experience and bear first witness to you. I have been prey and I have fallen into acquaintance predator traps more times than I care to recall along my way. They come within any type of relationship. However, the ability to see the potential of danger within an acquaintance before it gets us is difficult, and it puts us at a greater risk because we don’t expect it from an acquaintance. We can’t fathom harm because we think we know this person and believe that they would never harm us. We may even deny that we are already living in harm because it’s just too hard for us to believe and accept that this person, who we thought we knew, is suddenly our enemy. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirts (plural)!

I believe that maintaining our acquaintances with all people should include the acceptance of truth that anyone is capable of doing anything, and though I also believe we must give people the benefit of doubt, we should always check our inner compass, or rather—“our gut feelings” when we encounter people. I know now, that if there is anything that feels awkward in my encounters with people I either know or don’t know, I immediately seek to understand what the awkwardness is and decide how to react on the spot. If I ever feel like I am being manipulated, I invoke caution and do what my instinct tells me to do. I will never compromise my thoughts or feelings that tell me to “run.” I will never compromise my gut feeling that tells me to say “no.” Have I been and will I be right 100% of the time? Probably not, and for this reason I will always maintain composure and treat my acquaintances with respect even when I must retract from them due to my sensing danger. We can always address it directly with them on safe grounds later if warranted. We can always talk to others we have learned to trust or even a professional on the matter later.

So how in the world do we prepare children for this potential and keep them safe, without fear and their innocence in tact? It is nearly impossible to cover all of the potential scenarios that a person/child may face, and then how to react in the face of a potential predator when they do, but we can teach people to trust their inner compass. God has equipped us humans with an inner compass, and we usually do recognize when something is wrong. However, how we react to what we determine is wrong is paramount. We can responsibly tell our children about these truths without harming their innocence and remembering that they’ll need to know this now and as they get older. Children are not the only prey out there. I believe that teens, adolescents and adults are preyed upon every day by deceivers who use the same tricks, though adjusted according to age!

Here is an interesting article posted by Checklistmommy on the subject of how we might address this with children. I like most of it, and have different opinions on other parts, but they are onto the fact that its not “strangers” by definition that pose danger: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

In the meantime, I’ll keep studying the topic discussions and statistics and maybe someday I’ll write a book called Acquaintance Maintenance! 😉

God’s peace,

Brandee Nieslen-Smith

Founder – The BICF

When a Child Discloses Abuse

Imagine for a moment that you are a mother, or if you are a mother, ask yourself these questions:

1. “What is your first reaction if your child makes verbal claims of having been sexually abused?”
2. “What is the correct initial response in handling the situation?”
3. “Are you sure you know what the correct response is, and how you will respond to this situation if it hasn’t happened to you?”

If it has happened to you, I’m so sorry, and pray that all is and will be well with you and your family, in God’s hands.

I personally subscribe to “needing to have gone through a situation myself, in order to have a plausible idea”, because until you are, how can you say for certain what someone else will do, should do, or is even capable of doing in that moment?

If I hadn’t actually experienced this circumstance in a similar manner, I could take my best guess from a logical perspective even though I’d be void of understanding the probable emotional experience. I’d likely surmise that the first thing I would do, should do and would be capable of doing, is to “call the police.” However, I can’t say this for sure, and I am not void of the probable emotional experience. Once upon a time I was an adolescent witnessing the first reaction of my mother (may she rest in peace), in a similar situation.

My mother was working when I unexpectedly arrived at her workplace in the wee hours of the morning when I was supposed to be all tucked away at a sleepover with my new friend, who was the daughter of the sleepover host–my father’s boss. All it took was one look at my stature and she knew. Her first response was to scream at the top of her lungs–clearly in a fit of rage–words I will not repeat, but will give a clue by saying that she expressed what she wanted to have happen to the man that harmed me.

You could hear a pin drop in the room now silenced among customers looking back at her in shock, including me. She didn’t call the police in that moment, or any moment thereafter. She wanted to take matters into her own hands, and considering those words she screamed, thank God she never did. In her moment of instant confusion, fear, anger and pain, she appeared to lose composure and any sense to invoke logical thought.

Seeing my mother so desperate in that moment, I began to lie, hoping that my fabricated story of not having been harmed would somehow make her feel better, and make it all go away.

My mom may or may not have believed my lie, I’ll never know for certain. Though regardless of my fabricated story to make her feel better, it couldn’t erase the facts of what was evident to her.  A man that she knew, who she trusted and gave permission to guard me, took me to a place of his own accord for the benefit of his own dark and evil purposes−without her knowledge. This fits the description of having been kidnapped, which is a federal crime. No, my mom did not call the police and I was satisfied with that, because it meant I wouldn’t have to face or deal with the truth, and my mom would be spared from hearing the truth.

A recent child abuse claim that occurred in the state of Maine (the mother–whose name I refer to as Laurel Hope)  differs from my experience in several aspects such as the existence of a decade between our ages at the time, and, there was no custody battle in my case, several aspects strike a resemblance.

I believe I was initially introduced to this case because I support the fight against child abuse. I received a plethora of information about the case. The court documents and other material described as evidence was published in various web posts, web journals, web blogs and various social media sites. Included were video and audio recordings, as well as what appeared to be untouched images.

Out of curiosity I clicked on the links to listen to the audio recordings said to be the voice of the child claiming abuse.  What I heard on these recordings had a tremendous impact on me. I consider them “bone chilling” to say the least! They left a haunting, recurring residue in my mind and soul. That very young voice and the specific claims rendered me “severely concerned for the safety of this child.” That’s when I began to review the official court documents that were available at the aforementioned locations.

Laurel Hope claimed that her child disclosed unspeakable abuse, several times, and as a result she took the child to be examined, repeatedly, by doctors, to hospitals, to one of the most long standing-highly regarded organizations examining abuse in that region. She and the child had many interviews and received opinions from experts in the field, among them are Professors and Doctors from top Ivy League schools, DHHS, a former RN, and more.

Several resources documented and reported the results of their opinions as rule of law, substantiating the child’s claims to be true. Among the information made available was a statement purportedly written by a highly trained, former medical professional who reviewed the case, spoke with the child several times, was convinced (per the statement) that the abuse occurred repeatedly, but did not testify.

I then decided to review everything made available at the time in making a decision on if and how I would support this child. In addition to listening to the recordings of the child’s voice, I read all the documents referred, and I took the liberty to study facts about similar cases. I needed more information and through the additional research, I found reports about failures–actual and factual documented flaws attributed to States and man’s actions, processes and man-made organizations. This raised more questions in regard to the training rule taught to professionals that when a child discloses sexual abuse, the professional is “required to believe the disclosure, stand by the child and report the disclosure – granting them immunity.” I found studies revealing difficulty for some professionals to actually report claims of abuse, considering the traumatic impact it may have on the family in their own lives. I found that “recanting” is known to be part of a victim’s coping process due to the dynamics of secrecy, helplessness, entrapment and accommodation, facts about a specific therapy that provides a safe and therapeutic environment for sexually abused children to easily disclose graphic information about their abuse to pets/animals, which bolstered my opinion of what I heard on those audio recordings.

This result was enough for me to take a stand and write a letter to the US Attorney General, requesting a review into this case.

Since then the courts have spoken in this case regardless of my opinion or anyone else’s, and “that” as they say, “is that” as the rulings went against the mother, what seems to be largely due to her behavior, and or lack thereof.

I remain in support and I subscribe to believing that the majority of people in this world have  good intentions, and some people actually get it right. All people including myself will make mistakes. However, I also acknowledge that there are others out there who make them by choice, deliberate and callous. When this unspeakable choice occurs, others, children, innocent people suffer.

There is light in this world that reveals truth, and there is dark in this world that shadows truth. It has been so since the beginning of time, and will continue until the day we are in the presence of Jesus Christ.

May the Lord God bless and heal abused children and their families.

Brandee Nielsen-Smith

(This blog is closed for comment and replaces others posted in early 2012 regarding a child abuse claim within a custody case in the upper North East Region of the USA. Names have been changed or omitted to avoid revealing actual identity. Links and references to topics and subjects in the matter have been omitted to allow truth seekers the space to research information on their own in forming opinions based on facts they find.)

You were born with a gift. Do you know what it is and why you were born with it? I found out the hard way…

Imagine a man who works all day as a telemarketer selling publications while dreaming about traveling to communicate with people around the world in different cultures. He wishes to learn about other nations and their customs, as he believes the knowledge will provide awareness and bridge gaps that may otherwise divide people and cause undue hate. He’s had this dream his whole life, but hasn’t put forth an effort to make it a reality.

This dream reveals that the man’s talents include a passion to communicate with a willingness to learn and make a positive difference. His occupation as a telemarketer requires him to use his ability to communicate with a willingness to learn, but does it fulfill the purpose of his talents and dream?

If we do not use our gift according to its intended purpose, our dream and its purpose remains unfulfilled. But if we put forth effort to use our gift according to its purpose, the purpose and our dreams are fulfilled.

Do you know what your *talents are, and are you using them on purpose?
(*ROM 11:29 &12:6-8)

Discovering the purpose for my talents included repercussions when I decided to use them for my own purpose. I was six years old when I learned that I had an ability to sing and write songs—a time when I marveled at the stories my mother told me about Jesus Christ. Back then I spent a lot of time daydreaming about helping children who were less fortunate in circumstances that I learned from watching TV commercials about feeding starving children around the world. It touched me deeply. I remember telling myself how I wanted to sing for God like an angel on earth to help save His children. My dream would not die from that moment on, as dreams never do, however – a tragic turn of events took away what I knew as a structured childhood foundation, when my mother lost her life in alcohol.

I attempted my first escape to live on my own as early as age twelve, which was only the first time, and kept on running until I achieved stable ground as a young adult. Through these challenges I endured unspeakable things that humans sometimes face, but I was fortunate to be saved through my distant faith in God (remember the mustard seed parable?).

A day came when I felt it was time to make good on my childhood promise to God, but in doing so, I made a pivotal decision resulting in a grave mistake. During my planning to record a Spiritual CD to help others in need, I decided to leave the name of Jesus out of my songs. I did this because I believed the songs would reach more people who might otherwise hear His name in the song and turn it off. When I put this thought into action, my life changed drastically. Not only did I omit the name of Jesus from my songs, I began to omit Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit from all aspects of my life. I found myself  exposed, without guard and thrust into a plethora of addictions including control, alcohol, co-dependency, body image disorder, anorexia, exercise bulimia and whole host of other emotional issues including several failed, destructive and violent relationships that held me captive for more than a decade.

While this went on, I was somehow able to hide my pain and self-destruction behind a mask of achievement as I excelled in the corporate and secular music world, using my talents void of God’s purpose. At this point I was living as a self-declared agnostic standing at the edge of atheism and the possibility of losing my life to addictions until I met a new friend in December of 2010. He was very kind, respectful and peaceful, which peaked my curiosity. He invited me to attend his church, a place I hadn’t been for many years, but agreed to go. When I entered the Church, I saw a worship leader for the first time in my life. He was singing out praises to God while the congregation shined with God’s glory – as they sang along with him. In a flash I was struck by guilt. Guilt because I realized this is what I said I wanted to do when I was six years old.  I told my new friend what had just happened and he replied asking, “so what are you going to do about that”?  At that moment I felt as if the Spirit of the Lord was upon me, asking me to come back, telling me that Jesus would take away my addictions, granting me the opportunity to live out my childhood dream, and I agreed. I immediately went back and wrote His name into my songs, and I released a CD titled “Believe” eleven months later. It’s now available digitally all over the world.  He also inspired me to write a book about my life and everything that happened up until then and title it, “Unforgotten”, now published worldwide through WestBow Press.

With this came another inspiration, one that I could never imagine on my own. God’s plan for my life to establish The Believe In Christ Foundation, and through it, to use my talents to help His children. The BICF and my lifelong dream is now a reality, because I am using my talents for God’s purpose.  Thanks be to God!

~Brandee Nielsen-Smith